Picture this. I am sitting at my best mate Don’s place in the inner suburbs of Sydney. We have just had dinner, prepared by Carol, his lovely Chinese-Australian wife. And we move to his lounge-room to watch the idiotbox (affectionately known as the ‘TV’). Don has recently signed up with that entertainment novelty we call ‘pay-TV’. We switch to the Fox Channel. And we are amazed.
Right there, before our very eyes, are a bunch of TV hosts behaving more like those poor school kids suffering from ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). The subject?
"THE CASE AGAINST IRAQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Problem was, we could not see much of a case. All we saw was pictures of Colin Powell walking around the UN, shaking hands, receiving pats on the back (and no doubt requests for hard cash in return for a crucial vote). And pictures from the multi-media demonstration that formed an integral part of Powell’s 80-minute address.
All this whilst the ADD kids are just budding into each other’s comments. "Saddam stole my eraser in class! He’s gonna pay!" says the female host with the appropriately-colored hair.
"Yeh, well so what. Saddam took all my pencils and is throwing them at that fat kid Ariel. Oh my God, Ariel’s crying! Poor Ariel, what a victim!" says the dude with the over-ironed suit and hyperactive face that looks like it has been shaven 20 times that morning.
"Hey here comes Ariel with nuclear-powered crayons. And look! He’s poking Saddam’s eyes out. That’s a bit much, isn’t it?" says the third fellow who looks more like Jerry Seinfeld than Jerry Seinfeld.
On and on it goes. We sit there stunned, waiting for Jerry Springer to enter at some stage. Don’s wife Carol is shocked and surprised. "Is this serious TV or Sesame Street? They are just talking over each other like kids. I wonder if all Americans are like this," she says with her eyes wide open.
Don’s impressions are not much more flattering.
"These guys look like a bunch of used car salesmen. Check out that guy. He’s not interviewing the guest. He’s lecturing him!"
"Yep", I continue, "Isn’t it great how Uncle Rupert [i.e. Murdoch] can get away with making so much money selling such a crappy product over there in America. Imagine if he tried to do that here. He’d be laughed out of town!"
Why on earth am I telling you all this, my North American bruzzerz and sistarrz? I guess because it would be good if more and more Americans knew how the rest of the world views them, including citizens of allied countries like Australia.
Aussies have always viewed Yanks (as we call you) as eccentric, over-flourished, and a bit manic. It was an Australian psychiatrist who discovered that salt lithium carbonate could be used to treat mood swings. And most Aussies would agree with me when I say more Yanks take the stuff than we do.
But even these pre-conceived notions we have of our allies could not prepare Don, his wife and me for what came next on Fox News. The volume was pretty high on the TV, and I had gone to the bathroom. As I was walking back, I heard this accent that I recalled from a bad movie with really good music. It was unmistakable. I could hear Don laughing and shouting, "Run, Richard, run!"
And as I walked into the idiotbox room, I saw on the screen someone who talked like Forrest, sounded like Forrest, even seemed to think like Forrest. But no, it was not Forrest Gump. It was Richard Shelby, an elected Republican Senator from Alabama.
Saddaam Husseyyn ayand Al Kayyda both haav da saym aym!I sat with my friend and wondered whether this guy was reading something his "mamma" wrote for him. And as Senator Shelby continued to insult Saddam, we were just waiting any moment for Forrest Gump to turn into another episode of South Park. "Ma Mamma told me dat drugs ar bayad. Ayand Aah hate drugs!! Ayand that Saddaam gah--whah Aah reckon he is havin sodomy with thah devil!"
Once Senator Shelby was disposed of and shipped back to the land where life is like a chocolate cake, the hosts decided to see what the newspapers were saying. They held up the covers of numerous tabloids which all spoke of war and hard evidence and why Bush is good and why we should go and kick some Ay-rab butt. What they did not tell us was that each of these newspapers was owned by their employer, the Australian-born ex-Australian Rupert Murdoch.
The final straw for us was when our ADD-afflicted hosts brought on the token Ay-rab (and indeed the token expert). Professor Walid Phares taught something-to-do- with-Ay-rabs at the Murdoch Heights University. And his hosts were determined to impose their stamp on his attempts at letting loose his flair of "expertise."
Look, Professor. We Americans know Saddam is a lunatic. And we all saw he has weapons of mass seduction … woops … I meant de-suction. All us Americans think that. But what about you Arabs? I mean, what does the Arab on the street think?And just as Professor Phares was about to speak, another host intervened.
Surely the Mozzlem world and the rest of the Arabs could not accept all of Saddam’s propaganda. And what about all our friends in democratic states like Saudi Arabia and Jordan?Again the Professor tried to respond.
I’ll bet they don’t watch programs like ours where we invite independent experts to speak. They probably watch real-bad TV channels like Al Jazeera ...
... said the hostess with hair colored to reflect her IQ (sorry, that was really cruel).
By this stage, Professor Phares was probably wondering what he was doing here. After 5 minutes he just could not get a word in. What did they want him to say? What expertise was he meant to share with them? What was the whole point of the exercise?
But at the mention of Al Jazeera, the good Professor realized what his role was--to beat the living shit out of a network Rupert could never buy off.
Yes, my friendz, Al Jazeera iz just full ov consbiracy theories. In za Arab vuld, all za beebil vash zis nonsense ...
... the Professor spoke with a tabloid nod.
Hey I like this professor. We should invite you on more often. How do I go about enrolling in one of your courses?... said the Seinfeld-look-alike.
By this time, my own hosts had had enough of this trash. Carol and Don reached for the aspirin tablets while I switched to watching animals from the Amazon jungle imitating UN Security Council delegates on Discovery Channel.
(This article first appeared in some pinko-lefty US-based Moslem-terrorist fundamentalist fanatic extremist website called 'MuslimWakeup!'. Clearly the site has been funded by al-Qaida and should be investigated and shut down. Alternately, perhaps Uncle Rupert could make them an offer!)
Words © 2003 Irfan Yusuf
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