According to John Howard and his ministers, I need to learn Australian values. Me? How do they reach that conclusion?
I missed out on being born in Australia by around 5 months. When my boat (actually, it was a luxury ocean-liner) arrived at Sydney harbour in 1970, my family stayed for a week at the Shore Inn before moving to a rented house in Ryde. I never held a Pakistani, Indian, Saudi, Iranian, Iraqi or any other passport in my whole entire life.
My father left a comfortable job in Pakistan to teach at a new university. He has held the same job since then. Apart from his scholarly and teaching duties, he is now representing the university in numerous capacities both locally and overseas.
Dad has taught Aussie undergraduate students for over 3 decades. He also taught me a thing or two. When he sent me to Sydney’s only Anglican Cathedral school, I was ordered by my dad to attend all chapel services and divinity classes. He scolded me when I wanted to be a smartass in class and engage the school chaplain in theological debates.
My best mate from school is an Anglican chorister. He is an IT professional and is married to a Japanese accountant. At the time they married, his wife was a nominal Buddhist. I was his best man. The wedding service took place at St Andrews Cathedral.
My mum never was concerned with me having so many friends who were allegedly “infidels”. Then again, even her close friends were all Hindus and Sikhs and Goan Catholics with whom she felt a strong linguistic and cultural affinity. We never had many Muslim friends growing up.
During my Year 12 holidays, I worked at the North Ryde branch of the Commonwealth Bank. I did not go to a jihad training camp in Afghanistan.
When I finally did my HSC and got my results, my parents encouraged me to do Law. No, not Sharia law studies in Saudi Arabia. I mean a double degree program in economics and law at Macquarie University.
My most recent girlfriend was the President of Parramatta Young Liberals and the Macquarie University Liberal Club. She also works in my legal practise (named “Sydney Lawyers, as opposed to say “Saudi Lawyers” or “Islamic Lawyers”). She also works as an administrative officer for her local Anglican Church parish.
In 1993, I joined the NSW Division of the Liberal Party of Australia. I started out in the Bankstown Young Liberals. In those days, we were a far cry from, say, Jemaah Islamiah. But with the Young Libs now actively recruiting from religious fringe groups, it would not surprise me if JI had some presence in the Young Libs.
I only ever worked for one Muslim-run law firm. The owner was a radical Muslim from the Islamic Republic of New Zealand. He studied at the International Islamic Terrorist Training Academy located just outside Dunedin (they call it University of Otago, but we all know it’s a fake name used to disguise their real agenda).
A close friend of mine of Muslim background also studied at that Terrorist Academy. She studied the effects of certain acids on mice, and co-authored a paper which was not published in Nida’ul Islam nor in the Saudi Gazette. She shows her extreme Islamic radicalism by working behind a bar wearing a miniskirt and with her beautiful long hair flowing around her tall regal forehead. As I write these lines, she is probably walking around Sydney without her hijab (if she even has one). If she sees me, she will say in her thick terrorist accent: "Thet's ut! I've hed ut wuth you makung fun of my eksunt un your artekuls!!".
When my mother saw Sheik Feiz Mohamed on national TV make comments about women dressing and becoming eligible for rape, she used language to describe the young Sheik which was most disgusting and unAustralian.
Last night, I had dinner with another extremist friend from the Islamic Republic of New Zealand (Christchurch, to be precise). We sat down and planned an Islamic takeover of Australia at the Oaks Hotel in Neutral Bay, a popular hangout for Islamic extremists. I wore my terrorist gear – black trousers and a Wallabies jersey. I clearly stood out as someone with little loyalty to Australia. She looked stunning in a long black dress and amazing red hair. So stunning that I felt like inviting her to join my harem (don’t tell her that, or she’ll kill me!).
Well, I guess 720 words is enough for a day. I had better clear off before Sheik Nelson issues a fatwa against me.
POSTSCRIPT: My extremist friend from the Christchurch Caliphate of the Islamic Republic of New Zealand sent me a text message correcting my misrepresentation of her true Islamic agenda. Her text message read as follows:
"Good article but two things firstly i was wearing a red top and grey skirt and secondly i dont share my men with anyone."
© Irfan Yusuf 2005