Thursday, December 28, 2006

HUMOUR: New Auslandia? Too right ...

I know we Aussies have always regarded our cousins across the Tasman as ever-so-polite. We've always presumed that behind all that haka bravado lies a nation of SNAKs (Sensitive New Age Kiwis) renowned for being so laidback they're horizontal.

And now a bi-partisan Australian Parliamentary Committee has recommended that Australia and New Zealand consider merging into one country. Seriously.

Now before you throw off your SNAK veneer and exclaim in unison three words beginning with the letters w, t and f respectively, consider this.

A merger might be just what us wild West Islanders need. Things haven't been going well for us in recent times. I'm sure newly elected Federal Labor leader Kevin Rudd wouldn't knock back some of Helen Clark's political luck.

Maybe Aunty Hilun could take over and lead the ALP to victory against the hitherto invincible Howard.

I doubt whether a Kiwistani agricultural board would have been caught out paying secret bribes to Saddam Hussein.

And the way things are going, Aussie tourism advertisements have been consigned to the deepest depths of bloody hell.

Let's be honest. There are plenty of examples of Australia and New Zealand having close cultural ties. Fair-dinkum, true-blue Aussie musicians like the Finn brothers and Russell Crowe love touring Kiwistan at every available opportunity. Rumours surfacing in pubs across Bondi have it that they may have even purchased property there.

We Aussies could also do with Kiwis running our beaches. I doubt there'd be race riots at Cronulla if the place was inundated with SNAKs sharing fush'n'chups with the locals. Certainly we'd have fewer shark fatalities if we had Kiwis patrolling our coasts.

Aussie sport isn't the best either, notwithstanding the Ashes. The last time I appeared on TVNZ I made sure I wore my Wallabies jersey. But I'll be the first to admit our rugby players aren't all that crash-hot with traditional war dances or tackling All Blacks.

On the positive side, there is plenty the Kiwis could learn from us.

There's no doubt our journalists compensate for our rugby players in the tackling department. One of Rupert Murdoch's scribes decided to practise his tackling skills at the otherwise sleepy annual Walkley awards.

And mentioning Murdoch brings me to another reason why you Kiwistanis should favourably consider an Australian merger proposal: imagine having virtually each and every newspaper editorial and columnist calling for Helen Clark to send Kiwi troops to Iraq (or whichever hot spot the Americans target next for "regime change").

The LACA parliamentary committee wants the Australian Parliament to invite the New Zealand Parliament to establish a committee to work towards harmonisation of our legal systems.

It then makes this incisive observation:

The merger of Australia and New Zealand or the progression to a unitary system of government in Australia, however desirable, might not be easy to achieve.

You don't say? But the report gets better.

Australia and New Zealand should also consider introducing a common currency.

I think this makes perfect cents.

Every time I cross the Tasman, the shrapnel situation confuses the hell out of me. Why? Because for some weird reason, our $2 coin is smaller than our $1 coin, but with the Kiwis it's the other way around.

Clearly, our countries have so much in common already - sharing a currency is but a small step.

And so I urge my fellow Aussies to support this grand crosstasman merger project. Let's extend the Sydney Harbour Bridge eastward. Let's build a light rail to Auckland.

Let us join with you, our Kiwistani cousins, to create the world's first South Pacific superpower.

And if you are still reluctant, let me remind you of the words of your former tribal chief Robert "Piggy" Muldoon and increase the collective IQs of both our nations.

* Irfan Yusuf is a Sydney lawyer. A version of this article was first published in New Matilda. The version reproduced on this blog first appeared in the New Zealand Herald on 19 December 2006.


Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

anon @ 817, why don't you stick to editing the opinion page of a certain murdoch newspaper? and try not to use too much weed. it makes your mood unnecessarily low. and i don't want my tax dollars to pay for your stay at the psych ward ...

Anonymous said...

Why do you hate Australia so much? Do all muslims hate Australia as much as you?

Anonymous said...

Can we swap the 400,000 muslims infesting Australia for 400,000 sheep?

At least a sheep can be used for sex, for eating, for clothing, for making carpets or for keeping the lawn mown.

What use is a muslim? I don't want a muslim for sex, I don't want to cook a muslim. I wouldn't wear clothing made from muslims, I wouldn't use a muslim as a carpet except to put in a few kicks and I don't want muslims wandering around my backyard eating the grass. I can't think of any use for a muslim at all. I'd much prefer a sheep.

And furthermore a sheep is quite communicative and when you get a few of them in a flock it's comforting to hear them making a nice baa. Muslims in groups look like smelly terrorists and rapists and when they speak they make noises like retarded monkeys that have been smacked in the head with a brick.

Can we please swap our muslims for some NZ sheep?

Anonymous said...
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wali said...

EVERYONE loves Australia ..... it's only anonymous loonies who give it a bad name.

Happy new year.

Anonymous said...

God Defend New Zealand
God Save the Queen
God Bless America
Advance Australia Fair
Genocide the Muslims

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BanJoh said...

Anon @ 825, are you sure you don't write editorials for The Australian?

Robert (visitor from France) said...

I enjoyed reading your light-hearted posts. My only disappointment was when turning to the comments and finding a collection of offensive racist remarks.

South Aussie said...

I agree totally with Robert.
I haven't been this disappointed since I saw the Cronulla riots on TV (actually I was a bit more disappointed with the riots).
As a third generation Aussie it saddens me when I realize that even "The Lucky Country" has more than it's share of narrow minded bigots.
Maybe some of these bloggers should stick to the White Supremacy websites if Planet Irf is going to upset them so much.

Anonymous said...

Please feel free to go back to France, now that you have enjoyed your holiday away from the terror of race wars caused by multiculturalism and multiracialism in France.

Anonymous said...

Planet Irf,

Why do you hate jews so much?

Is it because you are a muslim?

Or is it because you are a nazi?

Why are so many muslims like the Baath Party such Nazis?

Why are all your friends Nazis?

Anonymous said...
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wali said...

Anonymous @ 6:02 PM said...
"Why do you hate jews so much?"

Anon, why do you have AIDS?

The loaded question is the most transparent and pathetic smear in the book. Get an education.

leftvegdrunk said...

I'm with Robert. The racist comments here are a disgrace.